Friday, November 6, 2009

Lil Waynes Real Father and Creator Breaks Silence!

I am a Mad-Scientist who hates HIP-HOP and wants to make HIP-HOP look as raggedy, filthy, degenerate, and worthless as possible Lets follow these 20 steps and create a Frankenstein-like-clone to destroy HIP-HOP.

1.) Lets give this creature a nick-name... that will label him a perpetual child, a "Baby Boy", something like...."Young", "Baby", "Lil", "Boy", "Lil-'One", "Youngin" ,"Jr". or "Shorty".

2.) Lets give the creature a Form... Bob Marley's Hair, Prince's Height, and Tupacs body,

3.) Lets give this creature a Brain..."I have no brain, I am retarted, we are not the same I am a Martian!".....fine we will leave it brainless. No social consciousness, pro-Blackness, or cultural awareness.

4.) Lets give the creature a Voice..... part Bob Dylan, part James Brown, and part TQ.

5.) Lets give this creature an Identity... the New Orleans streetness of B.G., the Philadelphia swagger of Gillie tha Kid, the California gangster of Mack 10, and the V.A. Beach fashion of Pharrell.

6.) Lets give the creature a Story....A child born to a teenage mother, his biological father abandoned him, and his next father figure was murdered, then the next father figure adopts him and puts him to work for his record label. ("wheeeew....thats alot of "daddys").

7.) Lets give this creature a Mentor....we will use one of HipHops worst lyricists, a man half human/half bird who will refer to himself as an infant, or Baby, and have the special talent of working with young boys, little boys, and Hot boys.

8.) Lets give this creature an Image... Sex symbol like Dennis Rodman, Drug abuser like Jimi Hendrix, tattoo's like Tommy Lee, and a guitar like Wyclef.

9.) Lets give the creature a Gimmick...Blood gangbanging, cough-syrup drinking, pill-popping, coke-sniffing, tattood-tears, gun-totting, daddy-kissing, and getting arrested. Rock star/Pop star/Rap star all in one.

10.) Lets give the creature a Label... we will choose a label with a unique and intelligent name ran by a 7ft blind man..this label will be known for robbing every single artist signed to it untill all artists are gone but ONE.

We halfway there roll with me....

11.) Lets give this creature a Rhyme-style...JayZ's old flow, Cassidy's leftover metaphors, and Eminem's worst punchlines, JaRule's singing, and Ghostface Killah's gibberish.

12.) Lets give this creature an Alliance...we will pick a crew known for their dysfunction and internal beef's, love of the color pink, tight-clothes, weak lyrics, gang-affiliation, and beat-down in Rucker park.

13.) Lets give the creature Crossover appeal...there wll be remix's and duets with Robin Thicke, Gym Class Hero's, 3LW, Fall Out Boy, Danity Kane, Nelly Furtado, and One Republic...(1 white R&B crooner on a C.D can boost sales by 75,000...lets throw one on.)

14.) Lets give this creature Zero-Battle-Stripes.... even if multiple rapper's diss, there will not be a return of diss records, or scathing verbal attacks. There will be no "Takeover", "Hit 'em up", "No Vaseline", or "Back down", no "Ether".

15.) Lets give the creature Homo-Thuggness....the Bi-curious artist's make better promotion according to Prince, Michael Jackson, Elton John, and the Bee-Gee' lets toss in some male-on-male lip-locking, and a pink man-purse in a video about Firemen. We can round it off by a half-nude magazine cover with another half-nude male.

16.) Lets give the creature Respect for Elders...... the cover art of three albums will be combinations of the two greatest rappers in Hip-Hop's album covers combined and morphed.

17.)Lets give the creature Status......while many legends deify themselves as Supreme beings (Rakim="Rakim Allah", JayZ= "Jayhova", Nas= "Godson"), we will use labels like "alien", "martian", or "Goblin" or some other extraterrestrial entity not of this world.

18.) Lets give this creature Unforgettable Quotable's

"Dear Mr. Toilet Im the Shit", "

"Like smokin the thinest air I open the Lamborghini
Hoping them crackers see like look at dat bastard Weezy"

"Im rare like Mr. Clean with Hair"

"Just like a refund, I make her bring that ass back
And she bring that ass back, because I like that"
"Damn right I kiss my Daddy"

etc. etc. etc................

19.) Lets give this creature fans... these children will remain loyal and use terminology like "Greatest rapper alive", they will ignore the lack of lyrical substance, and sound logic, and focus on the beat, the flow, and the wonderful punchlines. The girls, the suburbs, the gay's, and the wannabee's have an artist that they can "feel" and relate to.

20.)Lets put the creature together Now we have the American dream...a short, feminine, self-destructive, bi-sexual Black man with permanent ink in his face who drinks prescription cough-syrup to get intoxicated, and promotes gang-banging and drug abuse. Not a threat to the establishment, but weird enough to piss suburban parents off when they see a C.D. cover of a toddler with tattoos on its face lets grab a T-Pain vocoder and make a song about a piece of candy..... Im not making this shit up.

The Corniest Rapper Alive


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