Monday, November 2, 2009
The Magical Elixir.......athletes on the "Juice"
Posted by NickelSlick at 5:05 PM
Sunday, Im on the couch nursing a hangover and thanking the Game-Gods for a trifecta of Football, Baseball, and Basketball games all in a row....a sports fanatic's dream come true minus the headache..only in October...
I was jolted upright by a vision on the screen that stopped my heart and sent a chill up my spine; a picture of a smiling Pedro Martinez with the juiciest Jheri-Curl I had ever seen...a Jheri Curl!
His Jheri-Curl Juices sparkled like glass in the Sun, with the intense glisten of a bright star on the blackest of nights, and then it occured to me..an epiphany..a revelation of epic proportion.......the Jheri-Curl is the magic elixir!
O.K., before you call me a lunatic give me a chance to explain..dont panic just hear me out!
The Greatest yet flawed Athletes in all of sports have "rocked" the Jheri Curl, but like Cinderella's slipper when the juice dried up there were disastrous results...follow me as we take a look back at the most famous JUICERS of all-time.....
DEION SANDERS
Nicknamed "Neon-Deon"for the Soul-Glo sheen that pulsated off of his scalp under stadium lights, Deon used the alchemical properties of the Jheri curl to become the greatest two-sport athlete of all-time. A man so mighty that he is the only player in history to score a homerun, and a touchdown in the same week, and the only player in history to participate in a Superbowl, and a World series.........but when the Jheri Curl dried up their was tragic results...
In 1994 in a Jheri Curl Juiceless state of delirium after a sauna session completley dried his Jheri Curl, a crazed Deion ran half-naked and foaming at the mouth into a recording studio and released the single worst rap song in the history of the world, "Must be the Money": a song so horrid, and godawful that he was attacked by a security officer while riding a motorcycle and arrested for dragging the officer for miles inflicting numerous injuries on him....
While Deion was dominating the football and baseball world a man name d A.C. Green (the A. and C. being an abbreviation for Another Curl) was performing one of the greatest feats in Basketball history....A.C. Green played 1,192 games in a row without injury or sickness, a record breaking acheivement called the Iron Man streak...... but when the Jheri Curl would dry up there were tragic results.
A.C. Green remained a virgin his entire careere, a feat even more amazing considering he played for Magic Johnsons championship Lakers team known for their night-life exploits and hotel parties....rumor has it that A.C. was fearful of his Jheri Curl spontaneously combusting during the friction of intercourse so he was forced to abstain...his Jheri Curl Juicelessness caused him chronic hiccups, frequent urination and sleeplessness.
Thomas Hearns
Thomas "Hitman" Hearns, one of the greatest boxers of all-time and the first boxer in history to be a quadruple world champion and win Championships in six different weight classes..the controversial Jheri Curl juices in his hair mixed with sweat often blinded his opponents would yelp in agony while the "Hitman" knocked his blinded foes out of the ring.........but when the Jheri Curl dried up their was tragic results...
After misplacing his bottle of Jheri Curl juice-activator before a fight with Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Thomas Hearns was forced to fight with his Jheri Curl half dry...he ended up breaking his hand and suffering one of the most brutal knockouts in history where the knockout punch forced Jheri curl juices from Hearns head to hit bystanders a reputed 299 yards away........
Pedro Martinez
The man with the highest winning percentage of any pitcher with over 200 starts in Major Leauge Baseball history has relied heavily on his most precious asset...his Jheri Curl. With a World Series championship, 8 all-star selections and 3 Cy Young awards Pedro is a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame when he retires. Unlike his contemporaries who have shed their Jheri Curls to experience the mortality of non-juciness Pedro has continued to sport his thirsty mop of ringlets with the pride of a nursing toddler............but when his Jheri Curl dried up in 2003 their was tragic result........
.........Juice... the magical Elixir, but it comes with a price.
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