Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sammy Sosa..An American Tragedy (Juicers Gone Wild part 2)

 (The Chocolate Wonderboy)

The fall from grace for an athlete can be swift and painful for them, and for us the plummet can be slow and painful to watch. We root for our champions and celebrities while simultaneously awaiting their downfall as if their own human faults somehow validate within us the notion that they are no bigger and better than we are, and by some stroke of luck they found the success within their respected feilds that has evaded us.....

(Is that Antonio Banderas with a wig on??)

I rooted for Sammy, in spite of his horrid name, his widows-peak, and the fact that he was one of the few athletes in history to be a double-juicer; a guy with Jheri-curl juice on his head and illegal popeye-strength-juice flowing through his veins...I rooted for Sammy even after he did a Dennys commercial and mispronounced "rice-pilaf", I was even rooting after the fiasco at a congressional hearing on steroids where a sweating Sammy answered questions with "no hablo ingles".......

      I was a Sammy Sosa fan.

( Lookin' like Gargamel from the smurfs)

I cant ride the Sammy band-wagon any longer, Sammy showed up  at the Latin Grammy awards in Las Vegas looking like he had been dipped in Tempura-shrimp batter......his healthy chestnut bronze complexion had been replaced with an asbestos glow reminiscent of seeing Ricky Ricardo on a black & and white television in the dark. I was flabbergasted yet somehow fascinated at my childhood hero transformed into a mummy-like figurine.

 (That chick he's with has a sturdy chin!)

The rumors are brother says he could have possibly fallen into a barrel of Bisquik biscuit mix , my cousin speculated that it was the effects of steroids mixed with the hot Dominican sun and pineapple-juice ...the world may never know, why this man is glowing like a toxic glow worm..lets not rule out radiation...first Barry Bonds head swelling to the size of a small asteroid, and now Sammy's skin looking like frosted mini-wheats.

 (why is he cheesin like Cab Calloway?)

The saddest fact of this whole tragedy is that if it is truly Vitiligo which is what Michael Jackson supposedly suffered from, the only cure is........topical steroids!  


(From Chocolate Wonderboy to Wonderbread)

Damn you SAMMY!!!!!!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

Lil Waynes Real Father and Creator Breaks Silence!

I am a Mad-Scientist who hates HIP-HOP and wants to make HIP-HOP look as raggedy, filthy, degenerate, and worthless as possible Lets follow these 20 steps and create a Frankenstein-like-clone to destroy HIP-HOP.

1.) Lets give this creature a nick-name... that will label him a perpetual child, a "Baby Boy", something like...."Young", "Baby", "Lil", "Boy", "Lil-'One", "Youngin" ,"Jr". or "Shorty".

2.) Lets give the creature a Form... Bob Marley's Hair, Prince's Height, and Tupacs body,

3.) Lets give this creature a Brain..."I have no brain, I am retarted, we are not the same I am a Martian!".....fine we will leave it brainless. No social consciousness, pro-Blackness, or cultural awareness.

4.) Lets give the creature a Voice..... part Bob Dylan, part James Brown, and part TQ.

5.) Lets give this creature an Identity... the New Orleans streetness of B.G., the Philadelphia swagger of Gillie tha Kid, the California gangster of Mack 10, and the V.A. Beach fashion of Pharrell.

6.) Lets give the creature a Story....A child born to a teenage mother, his biological father abandoned him, and his next father figure was murdered, then the next father figure adopts him and puts him to work for his record label. ("wheeeew....thats alot of "daddys").

7.) Lets give this creature a Mentor....we will use one of HipHops worst lyricists, a man half human/half bird who will refer to himself as an infant, or Baby, and have the special talent of working with young boys, little boys, and Hot boys.

8.) Lets give this creature an Image... Sex symbol like Dennis Rodman, Drug abuser like Jimi Hendrix, tattoo's like Tommy Lee, and a guitar like Wyclef.

9.) Lets give the creature a Gimmick...Blood gangbanging, cough-syrup drinking, pill-popping, coke-sniffing, tattood-tears, gun-totting, daddy-kissing, and getting arrested. Rock star/Pop star/Rap star all in one.

10.) Lets give the creature a Label... we will choose a label with a unique and intelligent name ran by a 7ft blind man..this label will be known for robbing every single artist signed to it untill all artists are gone but ONE.

We halfway there roll with me....

11.) Lets give this creature a Rhyme-style...JayZ's old flow, Cassidy's leftover metaphors, and Eminem's worst punchlines, JaRule's singing, and Ghostface Killah's gibberish.

12.) Lets give this creature an Alliance...we will pick a crew known for their dysfunction and internal beef's, love of the color pink, tight-clothes, weak lyrics, gang-affiliation, and beat-down in Rucker park.

13.) Lets give the creature Crossover appeal...there wll be remix's and duets with Robin Thicke, Gym Class Hero's, 3LW, Fall Out Boy, Danity Kane, Nelly Furtado, and One Republic...(1 white R&B crooner on a C.D can boost sales by 75,000...lets throw one on.)

14.) Lets give this creature Zero-Battle-Stripes.... even if multiple rapper's diss, there will not be a return of diss records, or scathing verbal attacks. There will be no "Takeover", "Hit 'em up", "No Vaseline", or "Back down", no "Ether".

15.) Lets give the creature Homo-Thuggness....the Bi-curious artist's make better promotion according to Prince, Michael Jackson, Elton John, and the Bee-Gee' lets toss in some male-on-male lip-locking, and a pink man-purse in a video about Firemen. We can round it off by a half-nude magazine cover with another half-nude male.

16.) Lets give the creature Respect for Elders...... the cover art of three albums will be combinations of the two greatest rappers in Hip-Hop's album covers combined and morphed.

17.)Lets give the creature Status......while many legends deify themselves as Supreme beings (Rakim="Rakim Allah", JayZ= "Jayhova", Nas= "Godson"), we will use labels like "alien", "martian", or "Goblin" or some other extraterrestrial entity not of this world.

18.) Lets give this creature Unforgettable Quotable's

"Dear Mr. Toilet Im the Shit", "

"Like smokin the thinest air I open the Lamborghini
Hoping them crackers see like look at dat bastard Weezy"

"Im rare like Mr. Clean with Hair"

"Just like a refund, I make her bring that ass back
And she bring that ass back, because I like that"
"Damn right I kiss my Daddy"

etc. etc. etc................

19.) Lets give this creature fans... these children will remain loyal and use terminology like "Greatest rapper alive", they will ignore the lack of lyrical substance, and sound logic, and focus on the beat, the flow, and the wonderful punchlines. The girls, the suburbs, the gay's, and the wannabee's have an artist that they can "feel" and relate to.

20.)Lets put the creature together Now we have the American dream...a short, feminine, self-destructive, bi-sexual Black man with permanent ink in his face who drinks prescription cough-syrup to get intoxicated, and promotes gang-banging and drug abuse. Not a threat to the establishment, but weird enough to piss suburban parents off when they see a C.D. cover of a toddler with tattoos on its face lets grab a T-Pain vocoder and make a song about a piece of candy..... Im not making this shit up.

The Corniest Rapper Alive

50 Cent - "Stretch" (Crime Wave Pt 2) Official Movie Music Video HD

50 Cent - Stretch (Crime Wave Part 2) from the album BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT In stores and everywhere November 16 Digital Release Nov. 9
50 Cent - Stretch (Crime Wave Part 2) from the album BEFORE I SELF DESTRUCT
In stores and everywhere November 16
Digital Release Nov. 9
Category: Music
50 stretch before self destruct cent crime wave

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Drink Recipe of the Week The Splash & Dash Martini

Splash & Dash Martini

4 oz Ciroc Vodka
1/2 Peach nectar or Mango nectar
splash of fresh lime juice
Top with 2oz NUVO Sparkling Liqueur
 Serve the way you like :)

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

BlackFace Cheerleader Controversy

I used to laugh at those "Dumb Blonde"  jokes but today they became even more funny...

A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader decided to dress as Lil' Wayne in blackface for Halloween....yeah thats right Blackface like a modern day Minstrel performer...looks like blondie skipped Black History class so she could powder her nose and do cartwheels in her converse....

The blackfaced cheerleader is  21-year-old Whitney Isleib  and according to her Facebook (which has since been removed) one of her favorite hobbies is sleeping.....damn.

Things got kinda ugly when she decided to post her pics on Facebook.

 The sad thing about this whole fiasco is she actually used a LiL Wayne style styrofoam cup as a prop...minus the cough-syrup and apple cider that LiL wayne prefes...we hope.

The other partygoers chose a lighter shade of shoe-polish to mock Tony Romo's heritage and mexicans in general, and just in time for Latino heritage month.

The public outcry has been swift and loud with many people mistaking LiL Wayne costumes for just plain Ghoul costumes...the similarities are incredible!

The fact still remains Blackface has a historical legacy rooted in racism and is offensive to who re aware of its sordid history.

The more things change, the more things stay the same, you cant blame a person for being ignorant, especially bimbos. Somewhere in America  Pacman Jones is feeding a pitbull pork-rinds while drinking champagne out of the bottle and  laughing his Black a** off...

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Magical Elixir.......athletes on the "Juice"


 Sunday, Im on the couch nursing a hangover and thanking the Game-Gods for a trifecta of Football, Baseball, and Basketball games all in a row....a sports fanatic's dream come true minus the headache..only in October...

     I was jolted upright by a vision on the screen that stopped my heart and sent a chill up my spine; a picture of a smiling Pedro Martinez with the juiciest Jheri-Curl I had ever seen...a Jheri Curl!

      His Jheri-Curl Juices sparkled like glass in the Sun, with the intense glisten of a bright star on the blackest of nights, and then it occured to epiphany..a revelation of epic proportion.......the Jheri-Curl is the magic elixir!

      O.K., before you call me a lunatic give me a chance to explain..dont panic just hear me out!

     The Greatest yet flawed Athletes in all of sports have "rocked" the Jheri Curl, but like Cinderella's slipper when the juice dried up there were disastrous results...follow me as we take a look back at the most famous JUICERS of all-time.....


Nicknamed "Neon-Deon"for the Soul-Glo sheen that pulsated off of his scalp under stadium lights, Deon used the alchemical properties of the Jheri curl to become the greatest two-sport athlete of all-time. A man so mighty that he is the only player in history to score a homerun, and a touchdown in the same week, and the only player in history to participate in a Superbowl, and a World series.........but when the Jheri Curl dried up their was tragic results...

In 1994 in a Jheri Curl Juiceless state of delirium after a sauna session completley dried his Jheri Curl, a crazed Deion ran half-naked and foaming at the mouth into a recording studio and released the single worst rap song in the history of the world, "Must be the Money": a song so horrid, and godawful that he was attacked by a security officer while riding a motorcycle and arrested for dragging the officer for miles inflicting numerous injuries on him....


While Deion was dominating the football and baseball world a man name d A.C. Green (the A. and C. being an abbreviation for Another Curl)  was performing one of the greatest feats in Basketball history....A.C. Green played 1,192 games in a row without injury or sickness, a record breaking acheivement called the Iron Man streak...... but when the Jheri Curl would dry up there were tragic results.

A.C. Green remained a virgin his entire careere, a feat even more amazing considering he played for Magic Johnsons championship Lakers team known for their night-life exploits and hotel parties....rumor has it that A.C. was fearful of his Jheri Curl spontaneously combusting during  the friction of intercourse so he was forced to abstain...his Jheri Curl Juicelessness caused him chronic hiccups, frequent urination and sleeplessness. 

 Thomas Hearns

Thomas "Hitman" Hearns, one of the greatest boxers of all-time and the first boxer in history to be a quadruple world champion and win Championships in six different weight classes..the controversial Jheri Curl juices in his hair mixed with sweat often blinded his opponents would yelp in agony while the "Hitman" knocked his blinded foes out of the ring.........but when the Jheri Curl dried up their was tragic results...

   After misplacing his bottle of Jheri Curl juice-activator before a fight with Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Thomas Hearns was forced to fight with his Jheri Curl half dry...he ended up breaking his hand and suffering one of the most brutal knockouts in history where the knockout punch forced Jheri curl juices from Hearns head to hit bystanders a reputed 299 yards away........

Pedro Martinez 

The man with the highest winning percentage of any pitcher with over 200 starts in Major Leauge Baseball history has relied heavily on his most precious asset...his Jheri Curl. With a World Series championship, 8 all-star selections and 3 Cy Young awards Pedro is a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame when he retires. Unlike his contemporaries who have shed their Jheri Curls to experience the mortality of non-juciness Pedro has continued to sport his thirsty mop of ringlets with the pride of a nursing toddler............but when his Jheri Curl dried up in 2003 their was tragic result........

In 2003 during the ALCS, Pedro Martinez in a juicless fit of rage (known in medical circles as curl-craze) commited one of the most heinous, callous, and vicious acts in the annals of sports history....Pedro while chanting an unintelligable litany grabbed a 72 yr old mnager from the opposing team and hurled him to the turf with such force that a near riot ensued from fans and concerned citizens appalled at the sheer savagery of the act

.........Juice... the magical Elixir, but it comes with a price.

Jay-Z.and.Eminem-Presenting.DJ.Hero.Renegade.Edition-2CD-2009 !!

Disc 1
01 Eminem - Taking My Ball
02 Eminem - Say Goodbye To Hollywood
03 Eminem - Soldier
04 Eminem - The Re-Up (feat. 50 Cent)
05 Eminem - Rabbit Run
06 Eminem - Get U Mad
07 Eminem - Bad Guys Always Die (feat. Dr Dre)
08 Eminem - Public Enemy No
09 Eminem - Say What You Say (feat. Dr Dre)
10 Eminem - Lose Yourself 
11 Eminem - Hey Lady (feat. Obie Trice)
12 Eminem - One Shot 2 Shot (feat. D12)

Disc 2

01 Jay-Z - Aint No N***a
02 Jay-Z - Where I'm From
03 Jay-Z - Hard Knock Life (Ghetto Anthem)
04 Jay-Z - Jigga My N***a 
05 Jay-Z - I Just Wanna Love U (Give It 2 Me)
06 Jay-Z - Izzo (H.O.V.A.)
07 Jay-Z - '03 Bonnie & Clyde (feat. Beyonce)
08 Jay-Z - Dirt Off Your Shoulder
09 Jay-Z - Show Me what You Got  
10 Jay-Z - Roc Boys (And The Winner Is)
11 Jay-Z - Brooklyn Go Hard (feat. Santigold)
12 Jay-Z - D.O.A. (Death Of Auto-Tune)



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